Confessional

I've been MIA for awhile. I'm kind of ashamed to admit why. I was happy blogging, writing about my life, flexing my creative muscle a little. I was even alternating writing prompts/challenges with a very good friend of mine and it was fun. Then came the challenge that shook me.

It seemed innocuous enough. I was even looking forward to it. "Describe your perfect day..." Sounds fun, easy, right? So why did this derail my blogging train? I had no trouble thinking of fabulous days: a day at the beach, a day at the spa, a day of luxury, a day somewhere in Europe, a day of decadence and leisure.

I was trying to decide on which scenario I would choose and I cheated. Normally, when my friend and I challenge each other, we both complete the writing prompt and don't read each other's until we're finished. Well, I read her response before starting my own. And the realization dawned on me that in all my perfect days... I was alone. No family, no friends, not my husband, not my daughter... what's WRONG with me?!?

I decided I must be a horribly selfish girl, a terrible wife, and a bad mother. All my perfect day scenarios were self-centered, me-me-me. I felt awful. I felt frozen. How could I write about a perfect day without my partner who is my best friend, without my daughter who is the joy of my every breath. And the more I tried to imagine a "perfect" day WITH my family, the worse it became. I couldn't do it. I could write some forced fluff piece, but that seemed so PHONY and not me.

So the truth is, I can imagine a "perfect" day. But it's not a real day. It's not a day full of a crawling baby trying to eat every stray crumb off the floor that managed to escape the vacuum. It's not a day when my husband tracks grass into the house and all over the kitchen floor after mowing. It's not a day when I feel torn about working outside the home, even part-time. It's not a day when I worry about my extended family and their health and well-being.

And to me, those real days, they may not be perfect, but they are all I really have and I'm glad for every single one of them. Sometimes, it may take me a while to come around to actually being glad. But in the end, I wouldn't trade a single one of them, not for all the spa treatments in Europe.

So, I'm shrugging off this self-imposed and impossible mantle of guilt. I realize that I'm human and every overworked, overtired, overly-self-critical mom wishes for alone time and that's all it was. By punishing myself and not blogging, I was becoming even more stressed. So, my hiatus is over. As Jack would say, "I'm baaaack!"