Nyctophobia

I am 33 years old, and I am afraid of the dark. I have been, for as long as I can remember. It's the one truly childish personality trait that I can't seem to shake. I've always had a night light. I can't stand for there to be a partially open closet door leading into darkness. I don't like haunted houses.

But, the parameters of my phobia have shifted slightly. Now that I'm married, so long as I'm not ALONE in the dark, I seem to be OK. And now that I'm a mom, I seem to temporarily forget all fears of the dark when I stumble down the unlit hallway in the middle of the night in answer to my daughter's cries. What is it about being with my husband or daughter that chases away the fear?

On the rare occassions that I'm home alone, I either leave on a hall light, or the bathroom light. Sometimes I put the TV on sleep mode and let the dancing colored lights of the television lull me to sleep. I've learned not to watch scary or gory movies any time after noon. For the most part, I just forego them altogether. And I used to LOVE scary movies. Over the past few years, I've gotten to the point where scary movies give me night terrors, so it's just not worth it.

Being afraid of the dark is the one trait from childhood that I wish I could ditch. There are other traits I wish I could reacquire, like believing in myself and being convinced that I could do anything if I tried hard enough.

Do you have any lingering childhood habits? Good or bad ones?

When do I get to have ME time?

Seems like every weekend comes and goes and despite the whirlwind of activity that whips through the days, I never get time for me. To the casual observer, they may not see this, but most of you moms out there, you know what I mean.

As a case in point, let's examine this past weekend. Friday afternoon after work, I went to the local cable office to pick up a replacement modem for our lightning-surge-kaput modem which had been non-functional since Monday. On the way home, we were delayed in traffic while one of the local high schools marched down the street in their homecoming parade. Then the remainder of the afternoon was spent on the phone with the cable company customer service trying to get the internet back up and running on my husband's PC. (My PC was COMPLETELY fried by the lighting-surge earlier in the week, a most tragic event.) So Friday afternoon was spent with my "technical fix-it girl" hat on.

Friday evening I joined some work friends for a late birthday dinner with MissM in tow and no husband (he had an important CFL game to watch at home). Now, this event was fun and I was happy to celebrate with my friends, but I spent the evening wearing my "I'm a good friend" hat.

Saturday morning we picked out replacement carpet for our finally-dried-out basement. Then I picked out a replacement laptop for my fried-by-lightning home PC. Most of Saturday afternoon I spent trying to get the laptop configured and up and running on our home network. After driving MissM over to her grandma's for the night, hubby & I attended an NHL exhibition game. Thus, Saturday was spent alternating the "good wife" and the "fix-it girl" hats.

Sunday I drove back out to pick up MissM. I spent about a half hour trying to find a couple pairs of pants that fit so that I didn't have to go to work naked this week. (It SUCKS when you have to go up a size.) Then we visited my grandpa (& grandma) at the nursing home where he's been undergoing rehab. We are still hoping it's a temporary visit. So, Sunday was the "good daughter/granddaughter" hat-wearing day.

I can't even really recall what went on Sunday evening. My brain is turning to mush! I've been working extra hours this week to help us meet a Friday deadline. The 15 minutes I've spent writing this rant is the only "me" time I've had in awhile. You can't count the few hours of sleep I get each night, that's requisite to keep me functioning at even the most basic non-drooling level of humanity.

No, I need pedicure, read a good book, relaxation ME time. Ah well, next month perhaps?

One is Wonderful

Happy Birthday MissM!

It's so hard to believe it's been a WHOLE YEAR since this wonderful little ball of sunshine rolled into our lives. She has grown and changed so much in 12 short months.

Things I love about her right now:

• How she's nearly always grinning with her six little teeth
• How she gets the hiccups when she laughs too much
• How she waves bye-bye whether you're coming or going
• How she pulls her ears when she's tired
• How she uses her pacifier as a teether
• How she points at everything
• How she is on the VERGE of walking
• How she is on the VERGE of talking with actual understandable words
• How she will pull up to stand behind you when you're sitting on the floor and pat your back
• How she loves to lay on and hug her stuffed animals
• How she's learned to drink from a straw already
• How she LOVES books
• How she LOVES anything that plays music

Things I miss already:

• Nursing her to sleep (although, with the arrival of teeth, I was glad to be done breastfeeding)
• Pre-crawling days, when you could sit her down in one place, look away, and turn back to find her in the same spot
• Pre-formula and pre-solids diaper changes
• Being able to put her in a dress without impeding her crawling
• Using the baby swing to coax her to sleep
• Her toothless gummy grin

Confessions:

• We still rock her to sleep most every night, but she does sleep in her own crib
• We're still feeding her jarred baby food, although we have started her on a few table foods
• We let her watch TV, just PBS Kids shows like Sesame Street and Baby Einstein DVDs
• We don't give her a bath every day, but most days
• We don't wash the pacifier every time it drops on the floor

How can words describe the intense love of a mother for her child? Words don't seem adequate to describe that feeling, when you're holding a drowsy one-year old in your arms and she looks up at you and points to your smile before drifting off. Words can't evoke that magical scent of a clean baby head after a bath. The first smile, the first giggle, the first time they reach up for you to be picked up. All these major milestones sped by this past year.

MissM, one year ago today when you were born, I didn't think it was possible to love anyone more than I loved you at that moment. But I was wrong, because I love you EVEN MORE now. Happy Birthday, sweet pea. Mama loves you!

There's No Place Like Home...

...or KS to SK and back again.

This year our family spent the first nine days of September in my hubby's hometown. It was quite a trip. By car, it is 18 hours travel time (each way). Our nearly-one-year-old did AMAZINGLY well. We mostly visited with friends and family. Hubby & I attended a CFL game (specifically, the Labour Day classic - Go Riders!). My sister-in-law made me some very cool jewelry. We had an early celebration of my daughter's first birthday. I spent some quality time with my mother-in-law and we both got pedicures.

Mostly the trip was for my hubby though, to shake the dust off his roots and feel grounded again. And to show off our fabulous little girl. She was definitely the star of the show, for basically the duration of the trip!

Pictures from our Trip to SK

Now we're back. Our current residence happens to be in the metro area of my hometown. In a way, home means very different things to my husband and I. But in another very important way, I hope he'll agree that home is where the heart is, where our family is, where our daughter is.